Breathe

In - Two - Three and Out - Two - Three.  Time flies when you are busy, and the most tragic thing is I wish I could just pop back onto my blog and say I was caught up with something really exciting and 'noteworthy' but the reality is I have just been stuck in the generally busy-ness of life.  And health appointments.  Was it Round 2 or 3 of Bloods I had done on Saturday?  I am not sure, but I get the results today.  Because hey, when you have one health issue (PCOS) let's just keep digging to uncover more.

So here I am, so early in the morning it is still dark, finding myself drawn back to my blog and wondering just what I have done all this time.  I have Raz at my feet.  He is a morning Pug, but it's good, we hang out together in the morning while Hubby and Mr C snooze for as long as possible.  Every health appointment I have I keep getting told to relax (I wouldn't say life or my job is particularly stressful, just that I tend to be more anxious in general then most) so I now start my days with Morning Yoga.  It sounds so pious doesn't it?  But in reality when you are overweight and highly inflexible all it does it point out that you are just a little more than a few sessions away from achieving optimal health.  After all, trying to do some of the moves with a PCOS belly in the way is challenging and slightly mortifying (thank goodness I only have Raz as my audience).  I do feel slightly better afterwards, if only that my body has woken up a little bit more and seems to have caught up with my racing mind.

I have been quite busy around the house too, I have this great desire to Nest at the moment.  So a lot of time is spent at home cleaning and trying to sort things out.  Ever since we moved here I have had this To Do list.  But I think one of the great joys of house ownership is that there will always be something to do to the house/yard.  And really, if I did get it all done, what would we do on weekends?  So the list has gone and we will just potter about doing what we can when we feel like it.  Besides, unless I happen across tens of thousands dollars in the street, pottering is the cheapest option right now too.  And with only such a short amount of time left when it will be just the two of us, we need to save for our very Childless weekends away in the Hunter Valley, wining and dining.  Like we did a week ago. 

 

This is life right now, busy, but busy is the only auto pilot I have, so it might be time to jump onto YouTube, search yoga and so a quick session before the rest of the house starts to stir.

Hello 3am, Again

Insomnia.  My oldest friend, it is clear to me now that you are back again.  I am hoping you will be going very very soon and I know I am not supposed to talk about you because that will keep you in my mind but maybe discussing our relationship will send you packing.

When did we meet?  As a child I was a bad sleeper and afraid of the dark, but I think it was sometime during High School we really became aquainted.  I remember all those nights lying in bed for hours just waiting to get to sleep.  And then when I finally did, a few hours later you returned.  Up I was and out watching TV waiting for sleep to tap me back on the shoulder.  It was tough.  I really hated you in Year 12 but I was determined not to let you affect me or my grades.

Then there was Uni and you were still hanging around and what about my final year? I was so burned out and you finished it off and broke me.  That was when I met another two friends, Depression and Anxiety.  I remember my Dr asking, was I not sleeping because of the depression or was it the not sleeping that began the depression?  I really do not know how I finished that year and was actually able to graduate.  But I feel you took something from me that year, I felt I lost my passion and drive and I did not get that back for many many years and even now I wonder if I have it all back.

I think we will skip over the rest of my 20s, that isn't a blog post that is a whole book!  And now here we are.  With the house and wedding I understood why you came back and once things settled down I found sleep again.  I enjoyed it so much.  But lately I have been up and now I feel it isn't a few bad nights, it is you again.  I go to sleep so well but then around 3ish, I am up, and my brain starts ticking over and off we go.  So here I sit, glass of milk, not really watching the DVD I have playing on the TV, and surfing the web/playing games on the ipad.  

I know how the rest of the morning will turn out because it is the same every time.  I will crawl back into bed at 5am when I finally start to feel tired.  Then my alarm will go off at 5:45 and I will turn it off and continue sleeping, which means the early morning work out I have been doing will not get done and, fingers crossed, I do it when I get home.  Hubby will then wake me up around 6:30 - 7:00 when I will have a shower and try to wake up.  I will get to work, fortunately I don't have a formal start time but a window of time in which I need to turn up, but I will get there a little later than I planned.  I will then wonder how I arrived, as the car trip feels like a blur.  Around 11am I will hit the wall and then in the afternoon feel the need for bed.  I will come home and collapse on the couch and rest and then the evening will be ruined because I just won't have the energy to do the housework etc that I had planned on doing.  Then we go two ways; you give me the night off and I have a great nights sleep and tomorrow will be a much better day, or you return and I say "Hello 3am, Again."

The Symptoms

I am off to the Dr and the natropath today for a whole lot of tests, so I thought, now that it has been some time since I came off The Pill, to provide a run down on the symptoms that have developed since that time so I have a starting point and in 6 months time I can look back and see what has improved and what else needs doing.

The worst change I have noticed is I have exceptionally oily hair (which is also my number one pet hate I cannot stand it). I have to wash my hair with two shampoos everyday using a really harsh shampoo and if I go out at night I have to wash it again. Because of the shampoo I am using the mid section and roots are very dry that even my straighter can't keep it down.  I am considering chopping it all off into a bob because it is very difficult to wear out right now so almost every day it ends up in a ponytail eventually.  My skin is very oily now also, but I am so fortunate that I am yet to break out which was actually the whole reason why I was put on The Pill in the first place.

I have very rapid hair growth all over, I am doing my legs every 3 weeks now and I have a few hairs popping up on my chin and lip which is a very common symptom of PCOS.  I am yet to ovulate and have only had two long cycles.  I have been tracking my BBT and it reads like a stock market graph with no clear pattern.  My body seems to be suffering from a lot of inflammation, my sinuses are up with a runny none each day, itchy eyes and my asthma is a lot worse. I am not sure if this is related to the situation or just a coincidence. And of course there are the symptoms that I had while I was already on the Pill such as the cysts on the ovaries, insulin resistance, skin tags and the extra weight my with pregnant like PCOS belly. 

It looks bad but it isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be and I feel good about that, of course I have no idea what is going on inside but I will find out soon enough and then that is when the battle really begins.

It's Over

I broke up with The Pill just over a month ago.  Before anyone informs my MIL and she starts making booties, let me just clarify that it is not for the reason you usually come off.  At least not yet.  As I have mentioned before I have PCOS, and The Pill is great for it, it hides everything and makes you believe that even if you have PCOS you don't really have it because The Pill fixes everything.  

Some of the symptoms of PCOS are: no periods, facial hair, acne, thinning of the hair and weight gain.  Being on The Pill the only symptoms I have are weight gain, insulin resistance and cysts.  I don't know if I suffer from anything else and therefore I feel I really don't know how bad the condition is.  And to be really honest, it does cause issues with fertility and as much as Hubby and I joke about not having children, the reality is we do want them and we would like to start seriously thinking about it in a year or so.  

So in the last month I felt it was time to 'get real' as Dr Phil would say.  I decided the best thing I could do was to get off The Pill and find out exactly what is going on with my body and just how badly I have this thing known as PCOS.  Then once I know what I am dealing with I can go about treating it and getting my body in much better shape so that some time in the not too distant future Hubby and I can start to plan an addition to our family.

For the last few weeks things have been good, I have had a lot of headaches which apparently is quite normal otherwise it has been a smooth transititon.  Interestingly I do feel that I have more mental clarity like a fog has been lifted.  I have read a lot about The Pill and I am starting to wonder if it may have been the main factor in having PCOS and insulin resistance in the first place.  I have been on it since an early teenager when I had a bad acne problem and The Dr put me on it to fix it.  It did fix it and the few times I came off it my acne blew up again so naturally I went running straight back onto The Pill.  But those days are over, it is time to fix things for good and get in shape for whatever the future may hold. 

Sugar

I was a child of the 80's and that meant one thing, Sugar.  It was back in the day when sugar was everywhere, and it was only the dentist that seemed to have an issue with it.  The 'tuck shop' at school (now called a canteen) was full of the stuff, there were no healthy meals, lunch was a mini pizza if that is what you so desired.  Then of course there was the old milk bar/general store that you would ride your bike to with your mates or brother/sister, fill up on lollies and head back home for a sugar frenzy.  And of course there were the parties.  Ah yes, parties where no one had any allergies or food sensitives and it was all sugar and white flour in all their glorious forms.  We were all addicted, we got onto the stuff early and it stuck, there were no boundaries, it was sugar freedom.

Then in the 90's when we all became moody teenagers (from too much sugar as a child perhaps?) sugar hung around to give us our high, we didn't do coffee, we did sugar.  Then after school I worked in retail for three years, in confectionery.  Which everyone tells me is their dream job but I can assure you the fantasy is NOT the reality.  I gained 10kg and I can never eat a Lindt ball again.  But I digress.

A few years ago as I was enjoying a delicious meal of Crispy Shredded Steak I suddenly found part of my tooth in my mouth.  Naturally having had a perfect dental history I freaked out.  The next day the dentist gave me a filling.  I was not prepared for it and as such was scared for life.  A few months before the wedding I went in for a check up and FIVE points where located for needing a filling.  I had three done as the other two could wait until later.

Yesterday I saw the dentist as I had a very painful tooth and had stage one of root canal.  If you have never had this done let me suggest that you do whatever you have to do to ensure you never have this treatment.  I already don't like dentists and now they are on The List.  I am sure there are lots of contributing factors but I believe it all comes back to the sugar.  All those years it slowly worked it's way through my mouth and now at the tender age of 30 I am having root canal.  It is time to take it out of my life, time to break up.  Sugar, you are on The List.

Changes

Things have been busy around here.  Mostly I have been busy.  I am not sure what it was exactly but in the last few weeks I have looked really hard at myself and my life.  I have known for a while I was going to reach this point because things have been uncomfortable.  In fact I was eagerly waiting for this point to happen.  It wasn't a moment as such, I didn't have a sudden realisation and suddenly everything changed, but more a growing awareness and for the last few weeks looking in.  As I look back now I can see that things have changed, permanently and for the better, but I cannot pinpoint an exact moment in time.

Basically it was time I walked my walk.  Time to live true to my values.  I think my health was the biggest thing.  I have known for a long time now what is wrong and what I need to do about it, but I have only ever put in minimal effort.  It was time I stopped talking about what I needed to be doing and just do it.  

A few weeks ago I started on some affirmations I have had for years.  Another thing I knew I should do, but never did.  I was meant to read them out loud in front of the mirror.  I couldn't even look myself in the mirror and say "I love you".  I started just reading them, a few days later I said them out loud, although it was just a whisper.  But each day my voice started to get louder.  I then repeated them in front of the mirror, but I wouldn't take my eyes of the sheet of paper.  Now I stare at myself in the mirror and say my affirmations out loud, to myself, with a smile.  I can even say "I Love You.".  

It is this single act alone of reading my affirmations that has enable me to completely change my life.  I come home now, and instead of sitting on the couch for 3 hours (and then complain the next day I have no time for anything) I get housework done, I cook, I clean, I spend time with Hubby just talking.  I play with the dogs, I read, I talk to my family on the phone.  I get the bills and other paperwork sorted.  I wake up in the morning and I walk, I have breakfast, I get the dogs ready, I make lunch.  I get to work and as soon as I sit at my desk I get started.  In every aspect of my life I am more productive than I ever have been.

I am happy now, I truly feel that I am now creating the life I always wanted.  There is still so much to do, and it isn't always easy, but now I am moving forward.  I think before I was just in a rut, it wasn't laziness per se, but more habit.  It was comfortable and really, I didn't know any different, but with that was the uncomfortable feeling that something wasn't right, that my dreams were just that, dreams, a fantasy life I was not on the path to achieving.  But now I feel I am on that path heading in the right direction.  I am not even sure of the end point, I don't even think there has to be one, for now it is about health and wellness and putting first what matters most and throwing out all the meaningless crap, physical, mental and emotional, it is time to stop planning for my life and to begin to live it.

Fortune

Last night we went out to dinner to a Chinese restaurant we went to quite a few times when we lived in Sydney.  It is one of those places you go for the food and for the man that runs the joint.  The decor is heavily outdated and there is nothing flash inside but the owner is the only one on the floor.  He is the one that comes over to take your order while cracking a few jokes, brings the food with another serving of jokes and brings plastic containers when you get your fortune cookies.

I don't believe in fortune cookies, I remember last year I had one that read "Other people will be happy that you are wrong".  It stuck out because it would have to have been the most random, out there one I have ever seen, I even stuck it on my wall at work because of its weirdness.  It made me wonder what else was in the cookie.

I grabbed the two cookies and put them behind my back, mixed them around and asked Hubby to choose.  Hubby had; "You have an important new business development shaping up."  Mine read "You will enjoy good health."

Hubby and I looked at each other unable to speak.  Today Hubby finds out if he got the job he interviewed for on Wednesday.  The job that only himself and one other person interviewed for.  The reason we were in Sydney eating at the Chinese restaurant was because it was across the road from my Dr who I had just seen as a follow up.  I had lost 0.6kg which was quite a good effort considering my PCOS and pre-diabetic results.  I need good health and over the last month I have been making slow, little changes to improve things (as opposed to a massive life overhaul which always lasts under a week).

So for today, as weird as this sounds, we are both choosing to believe in the Cookie.  A phrase I never thought I would say.

Results

12:30am.  Awake.  Again.  I am so tired all the time now and while I have been sleeping well I still find myself with a little insomnia once or twice a week.  Apparently I am quite low in iron, which might explain a bit.  Although really that is the least of my worries.  I have gone from being only just pre-diabetic to very close to actually being diabetic. 

It is still sinking in.  I was not expecting it to be good, but I didn't quite expect it to be so bad.  The good news is, it is still reversible and my Dr believes I can get back to a normal range withing 12 months.  Of course that will require a lot of hard work on my part.  She told me I needed to stop talking about what I was going to do and actually do it.  Ouch.  Although very true.  And I really did need to hear that.  She also said that I have so much energy and I am always working on many different projects at one time, why don't I use some of that energy on myself?  Good Point.  Why don't I?

I have withdrawn a little since I heard the news.  I needed to just think.  I still am thinking and processing but I am not in denial anymore.  Things need to change, and not just a little, a lot.  And they need to change now.  

I took on board everything she said and discussed with Hubby.  There is still so much to talk about and generally sort out but our health is now moving its way up to become our number one priority.  We are going to spend a few hours on the weekend sorting out the detail.  It is hard to do that right now, each night I come home so tired.  With little energy.  It is a 'Catch 22' really.  I have no energy because of my poor health, yet the low energy makes it difficult to change things.  I have no choice anymore though.  Now is the time for change.  Big change.  Permanent change.  And right now, it is time to go back to bed.

Not Happy

Hubby was sick all last week.  I thought he was 90% better yesterday.  By this stage I was feeling quite smug that he had not passed it onto me and figured that the recent health changes I have been making had something to do with it.  Then after dinner everything changed.  I was sneezing and blowing my nose and tossing and turning for half the night before finally getting up in a hot sweat at around 2am when I realised that he had successfully managed to pass his "man flu" (now real flu) to me. 

I was sent home from work at lunch time today and have spent the rest of the afternoon on the couch watching bad TV and progressively working my way through a tissue box. 

Now waiting for Hubby to come home and take care of me, just as I did for him last week.

Welcome to Married Life.  Share the Germs.