More Babies

I was in Sydney on Friday for training and in the afternoon during a group discussion on safety, while studying a handful of photos (interestingly enough we were looking at a pregnant woman at a desk ) I looked down at my phone to see a message from my friend at work telling me she was now 8 weeks pregnant and everything was going really well.  I felt so happy for her I wanted to stop what I was doing and race back to the office.  I think if I was at the office I would be screaming and jumping around, so it was probably a good thing I wasn't there.

On the long train ride home my mind started to think less about the day and work and started to think more about babies and I found myself feeling a little melancholy.  When hubby picked me up he knew something was wrong.  I am so happy for my friend but I cannot help but feel a teeny tiny bit jealous.  And the thing is we are not even trying!  And hubby, being the man and having to find a solution to everything told me that, as discussed, we didn't want it to happen this year and gave me all the reasons why.  But it isn't about that.  It is about the fact that if we decided right now that yes, now is the time for a baby, it wouldn't happen.

I have been tracking my cycles ever since I came off The Pill over three months ago.  I am yet to ovulate and without ovulation a baby isn't even possible.  I just feel a little sad and a little frustrated because it isn't an option.  It is not about now or later it is about the fact that there is no option right now.  My fertility is so out of whack that at this point we are forced into the no children category.

After discussing this with my Hubby I felt better.  There have always been comments about when are we going to have a baby/provide a grandchild etc, and lately I have been finding these comments hurtful and invasive and I couldn't work out why.  Now I know. And a very small part of me cannot help but think, what if next year these problems still exist, maybe this is our lot in life.  And yes I am jumping the gun but this is what's in my head right now.  It would just be nice to know there is an option and we can choose.  I just need to keep focusing on my health, my PCOS and all the positives and also how amazing my life already is and just how for fortunate I am to have my husband, who worships the ground I walk on and treats me like a princess because if it is just meant to be the two of us then I could not ask for a better person to travel with.

Babies

One of the girls at work returned back to work yesterday after almost a year on maternity.  Today another girl was announing her pregnancy.  The new mother and the new pregnant girl started talking baby when suddenly my friend at work appeared at my desk on the verge of tears.  I took her outside and she told me she was pregnant, but miscarried at 7 weeks and her due date was a week after the newly pregnant staff member.  And right now she couldn't handle the baby talk.

It has stuck with me all day.  Firstly, she is the nicest person in the world, nobody ever says anything nasty about her because frankly there is nothing to say.  She is that girl who is bubbly and positive and you really want to dislike her but you just can't.  Secondly she is the healthiest person I know.  Literally, she goes to the gym almost everyday and her lunch would make the Dr proud.  Whenever there is cake at work she turns it down every time.  Then, as she said to me today, we walk through the streets at work and it is full of dole bludgers, addicts and alcoholics who are pregnant and with children.  Just doesn't seem fair.

I guess with Operation Fertility on my mind the whole thing bothers me, but maybe also because of the crushing pain I could see in her eyes.  She is hurting and is aware of how unhelpful the pregnant colleague is going to be, knowing the whole time that could have been her, she told me it was going to be hard.  I cannot relate, I have never been in that situation, all I could offer her was my ability to listen and I told her I would bring in a book I had just read on fertility that I had found helpful.

I have babies on my mind.  As my friend said, at least she fell pregnant, and she is right.  I hope she gets what she wants very soon.  She will make a wonderful mother.  It makes me think about my situation.  I haven't ovulated since I came off The Pill in November and my PCOS symptoms are starting to show.  I am very aware of just how messed up my fertility is.  And I feel I am only just seeing the surface.  Tonight, I have babies on my mind.

It's Over

I broke up with The Pill just over a month ago.  Before anyone informs my MIL and she starts making booties, let me just clarify that it is not for the reason you usually come off.  At least not yet.  As I have mentioned before I have PCOS, and The Pill is great for it, it hides everything and makes you believe that even if you have PCOS you don't really have it because The Pill fixes everything.  

Some of the symptoms of PCOS are: no periods, facial hair, acne, thinning of the hair and weight gain.  Being on The Pill the only symptoms I have are weight gain, insulin resistance and cysts.  I don't know if I suffer from anything else and therefore I feel I really don't know how bad the condition is.  And to be really honest, it does cause issues with fertility and as much as Hubby and I joke about not having children, the reality is we do want them and we would like to start seriously thinking about it in a year or so.  

So in the last month I felt it was time to 'get real' as Dr Phil would say.  I decided the best thing I could do was to get off The Pill and find out exactly what is going on with my body and just how badly I have this thing known as PCOS.  Then once I know what I am dealing with I can go about treating it and getting my body in much better shape so that some time in the not too distant future Hubby and I can start to plan an addition to our family.

For the last few weeks things have been good, I have had a lot of headaches which apparently is quite normal otherwise it has been a smooth transititon.  Interestingly I do feel that I have more mental clarity like a fog has been lifted.  I have read a lot about The Pill and I am starting to wonder if it may have been the main factor in having PCOS and insulin resistance in the first place.  I have been on it since an early teenager when I had a bad acne problem and The Dr put me on it to fix it.  It did fix it and the few times I came off it my acne blew up again so naturally I went running straight back onto The Pill.  But those days are over, it is time to fix things for good and get in shape for whatever the future may hold. 

Are You Having A Baby?

 Mr C as a baby, we had only taken him home 2 days earlier

Yesterday afternoon a client asked if I was having a baby.  I had to think about this as everyone in the office knows I am having a baby, a pug baby.  But then as I looked at her I realised she was staring at my belly.  My PCOS belly.

Since I left uni and my (then un-diagnosed) PCOS symptoms started, I have always been an apple shape and as time went on and my symptoms got worse my belly grew.  I always though I would be asked if I was pregnant, I thought it looked like I was always around 4 months along.  But no one ever said anything because it is a social rule never to ask, even if a woman looks like she is about to drop you still are not supposed to ask.

I said ''No".  The woman looked horrified and began apologizing and saying she shouldn't have said anything.  In the middle of this awkward moment I spewed forth verbal diarrhea of "No not yet" and "Only a dog" followed with "No drama don't worry about it".

But it has stuck with me.  I was wearing what I thought was a very flattering black dress that I doubt I will touch again.  I even had my special 'suck-in' undies on.  Maybe I am just not trying hard enough.   Maybe I am using my PCOS as an excuse to do a half job.  Sure PCOS is why I struggle with weight and why it sits around my belly but isn't it also my get out of jail free card for not losing weight?  I have PCOS therefore I can't lose weight? I have PCOS therefore I have a big belly and that means I don't have to do anything about it?  This client has certainly given me a lot to think about, perhaps I really do need to get on with a healthier lifestyle just a little bit more than I am. Maybe it is time to put more into my efforts and cut out the remaining excuses.  Perhaps her brazen comment was exactly the shake up I needed.  I know I will ponder this over the weekend in the back of my mind, that is until our new baby does come along on Sunday afternoon.

Results

12:30am.  Awake.  Again.  I am so tired all the time now and while I have been sleeping well I still find myself with a little insomnia once or twice a week.  Apparently I am quite low in iron, which might explain a bit.  Although really that is the least of my worries.  I have gone from being only just pre-diabetic to very close to actually being diabetic. 

It is still sinking in.  I was not expecting it to be good, but I didn't quite expect it to be so bad.  The good news is, it is still reversible and my Dr believes I can get back to a normal range withing 12 months.  Of course that will require a lot of hard work on my part.  She told me I needed to stop talking about what I was going to do and actually do it.  Ouch.  Although very true.  And I really did need to hear that.  She also said that I have so much energy and I am always working on many different projects at one time, why don't I use some of that energy on myself?  Good Point.  Why don't I?

I have withdrawn a little since I heard the news.  I needed to just think.  I still am thinking and processing but I am not in denial anymore.  Things need to change, and not just a little, a lot.  And they need to change now.  

I took on board everything she said and discussed with Hubby.  There is still so much to talk about and generally sort out but our health is now moving its way up to become our number one priority.  We are going to spend a few hours on the weekend sorting out the detail.  It is hard to do that right now, each night I come home so tired.  With little energy.  It is a 'Catch 22' really.  I have no energy because of my poor health, yet the low energy makes it difficult to change things.  I have no choice anymore though.  Now is the time for change.  Big change.  Permanent change.  And right now, it is time to go back to bed.

Eat Real Food

I sit here with two massive bruises on my left arm.  One on the inside of my elbow and another the size of a tennis ball on my left hand.  Even though they only needed to take blood 3 times I was pricked 5 times.  

A few years back when I had my bloods done the pathology technician (?) told me (as they were trying desperately to find a vein) that I could never be a heroine junkie.  I just stared at her.  Seriously?  I didn't know if she was trying to make me feel better or if it was some kind of an insult for taking so long?  For whatever reason they always struggle to find a vein.  This time I was asked if we were thinking about having children.  I said "maybe one day" and she laughed.  "Good luck with that.  You will need a lot of blood tests then" she said as she wiggled the needle around in my arm.

Suffice to say I will get the results next week.

Last week the goal was to go walking.  We walked on Monday, Tuesday.  And that was it.  First it was raining and then hubby became quite sick which left me exhausted as I was unable to sleep.  I did manage to continue getting up early most of the mornings but I couldn't bring myself to actually leave the house.  Of course thinking about it now it may have been just a little bit silly to decide to start walking at 6am in the middle of winter.  I think I will come back to this at the end of September.

This week I want to eat real food.  Which means I have a bit of a confession.  When Hubby and I first moved up here we left the house at 7am and came home at 7pm.  We came home exhausted and neither of us felt like cooking so we developed a bad take away habit.  Even though we don't travel like we used to, the take away habit appears to be a little too ingrained into us, as a few nights a week we still find ourselves picking up the phone or popping into drive "thru" on the way home.  This needs to stop.

So this week we cook.  We bought lots of fresh food on the weekend and stocked up the pantry and have no excuse at all not to cook.  And we are cooking real food.  Which means no stir through sauces, nothing with ingredients we don't recognise.  It may take longer but if we are going to cook then we are going to use real food.  I did some reading on the weekend and it fired me up to cook with real ingredients.  As my focus is on health right now this is the way it has to be.  Which is easy to say in the morning, I might feel differently after a full day of work.  We will see.

Carb Loading

Today is the first of a three day "carb loading" "diet".  I am having my bloods done on Saturday morning (where I have the joy of hanging around for 2.5 hours and having the needle go in three times).  For the test I need to consume a ridiculous amount of carbs.  I am not anti carbs, but since returning from our honeymoon I have made an effort to reduce how much I eat and now aside from toast and some rice I don't really eat that many carbs.

I am scared about Saturday.  18 months ago I had an ultrasound and the same blood test which confirmed I had PCOS.  I also was told I was pre-diabetic.  Just.  My bloods showed that I had only just crossed over to pre-diabetic land (insulin resistance) and with hard work, diet and exercise overhaul I can reverse it.  Once you cross over to diabetic, there is no going back.  

There was no time for hard work with all my energy going into the house and then the wedding.  It has only been in the last few months I have begun to make changes.  So I am hoping that I am still just outside the diabetic line and can go all the way back to normal.  I didn't want these tests, but my Dr thought it would be a good idea to have a starting point.  So here I am, eating toast with more bread for lunch and pasta for dinner.  I suspect by the time I get to the pathology lab I would have blown up like a balloon.  We will see.

Hello Second Half of the Year

So here I am facing the second half of the year. I am now a married woman, 30, and after 2 years finally moved into our first house. The last six months has been so busy it all seems a blur. And now I am looking into the rest of the year and with no wedding to plan and no house to build, I suddenly find myself with a lot of free time. What better way to start blogging again. 

I am not sure where things are heading right now. I am the person who has to have a plan for everything but I have thrown them all away. I even pulled out of uni because I really didn't know what I wanted at the end of it. I need to have time out to work out what it is that I want and where I want to go and I am not putting any time frame on this either. So for now Hubby and I are enjoying the new house, slowly unpacking the last of the boxes and taking it easy. My only focus at the moment is my health. I was diagnosed with PCOS about 18 months ago and have done nothing to fix it. Frankly I didn't have time. Now I do. 

I am setting myself a goal each week. Huge massive health overhauls don't work for me as I always crash and burn in under a week. So this time I am taking it slowly and gently and making one small change a week. This week I am getting up at 6am each morning, including the weekend. I might add this is a solo effort as hubby has stayed nice and warm in bed till about 7, but I have been up having coffee and found time to read again. Life is better already.