The Symptoms

I am off to the Dr and the natropath today for a whole lot of tests, so I thought, now that it has been some time since I came off The Pill, to provide a run down on the symptoms that have developed since that time so I have a starting point and in 6 months time I can look back and see what has improved and what else needs doing.

The worst change I have noticed is I have exceptionally oily hair (which is also my number one pet hate I cannot stand it). I have to wash my hair with two shampoos everyday using a really harsh shampoo and if I go out at night I have to wash it again. Because of the shampoo I am using the mid section and roots are very dry that even my straighter can't keep it down.  I am considering chopping it all off into a bob because it is very difficult to wear out right now so almost every day it ends up in a ponytail eventually.  My skin is very oily now also, but I am so fortunate that I am yet to break out which was actually the whole reason why I was put on The Pill in the first place.

I have very rapid hair growth all over, I am doing my legs every 3 weeks now and I have a few hairs popping up on my chin and lip which is a very common symptom of PCOS.  I am yet to ovulate and have only had two long cycles.  I have been tracking my BBT and it reads like a stock market graph with no clear pattern.  My body seems to be suffering from a lot of inflammation, my sinuses are up with a runny none each day, itchy eyes and my asthma is a lot worse. I am not sure if this is related to the situation or just a coincidence. And of course there are the symptoms that I had while I was already on the Pill such as the cysts on the ovaries, insulin resistance, skin tags and the extra weight my with pregnant like PCOS belly. 

It looks bad but it isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be and I feel good about that, of course I have no idea what is going on inside but I will find out soon enough and then that is when the battle really begins.

More Babies

I was in Sydney on Friday for training and in the afternoon during a group discussion on safety, while studying a handful of photos (interestingly enough we were looking at a pregnant woman at a desk ) I looked down at my phone to see a message from my friend at work telling me she was now 8 weeks pregnant and everything was going really well.  I felt so happy for her I wanted to stop what I was doing and race back to the office.  I think if I was at the office I would be screaming and jumping around, so it was probably a good thing I wasn't there.

On the long train ride home my mind started to think less about the day and work and started to think more about babies and I found myself feeling a little melancholy.  When hubby picked me up he knew something was wrong.  I am so happy for my friend but I cannot help but feel a teeny tiny bit jealous.  And the thing is we are not even trying!  And hubby, being the man and having to find a solution to everything told me that, as discussed, we didn't want it to happen this year and gave me all the reasons why.  But it isn't about that.  It is about the fact that if we decided right now that yes, now is the time for a baby, it wouldn't happen.

I have been tracking my cycles ever since I came off The Pill over three months ago.  I am yet to ovulate and without ovulation a baby isn't even possible.  I just feel a little sad and a little frustrated because it isn't an option.  It is not about now or later it is about the fact that there is no option right now.  My fertility is so out of whack that at this point we are forced into the no children category.

After discussing this with my Hubby I felt better.  There have always been comments about when are we going to have a baby/provide a grandchild etc, and lately I have been finding these comments hurtful and invasive and I couldn't work out why.  Now I know. And a very small part of me cannot help but think, what if next year these problems still exist, maybe this is our lot in life.  And yes I am jumping the gun but this is what's in my head right now.  It would just be nice to know there is an option and we can choose.  I just need to keep focusing on my health, my PCOS and all the positives and also how amazing my life already is and just how for fortunate I am to have my husband, who worships the ground I walk on and treats me like a princess because if it is just meant to be the two of us then I could not ask for a better person to travel with.

Review

I thought it may be helpful for me to provide a quick rundown at the end of each month on what has happened.  I want to focus on the positive and the good and pat myself on the back for what I have achieved in terms of my two operations and to fire myself up for the next month.

For the fertility side of things I have managed to weigh 1.3kg less.  I have also been a lot more mindful about what I eat and my 'toxic load'. I manage to drink 1.5L of filtered water on most days and I am happy about this. For February I want to focus on exercise, just walking like I did before things became a little too busy.  I will also be planning my meals (which I have done) but making more of an effort to stick to the plan.  If you fail to plan you plan to fail but then as I have learnt this month, in order for a plan to work you kinda need to stick to it :)

As for the house/home, it has really been a lot of little things, just ticking off a few things that have been sitting around for a while.  Clearing out the filing cabinet, getting the paperwork into a manageable order and lots of cleaning.  I have been out in the yard most evenings attending to my hedge, looking after it and I am pleased to say that it is growing, each plant has lots of new growth and I am looking forward to reaping the benefits at the end of the year.  February is going to be a big month in terms of the house.  We are back into the garden on Saturday with another 15 plants arriving and we are arranging quotes for the deck.  I think also February will involve a little bit of painting too.  Our breakfast table is pine and it has been stained honey.  I love timber and I like honey timber, but just not pine, whenever I see pine I have to paint it, this is what I am wanting:

Image

January has been a good month, going with the flow and pottering about doing lots of little things, and really getting ourselves ready for February, I have looked at my diary for next week and already it is packed.  Bring it on.

Babies

One of the girls at work returned back to work yesterday after almost a year on maternity.  Today another girl was announing her pregnancy.  The new mother and the new pregnant girl started talking baby when suddenly my friend at work appeared at my desk on the verge of tears.  I took her outside and she told me she was pregnant, but miscarried at 7 weeks and her due date was a week after the newly pregnant staff member.  And right now she couldn't handle the baby talk.

It has stuck with me all day.  Firstly, she is the nicest person in the world, nobody ever says anything nasty about her because frankly there is nothing to say.  She is that girl who is bubbly and positive and you really want to dislike her but you just can't.  Secondly she is the healthiest person I know.  Literally, she goes to the gym almost everyday and her lunch would make the Dr proud.  Whenever there is cake at work she turns it down every time.  Then, as she said to me today, we walk through the streets at work and it is full of dole bludgers, addicts and alcoholics who are pregnant and with children.  Just doesn't seem fair.

I guess with Operation Fertility on my mind the whole thing bothers me, but maybe also because of the crushing pain I could see in her eyes.  She is hurting and is aware of how unhelpful the pregnant colleague is going to be, knowing the whole time that could have been her, she told me it was going to be hard.  I cannot relate, I have never been in that situation, all I could offer her was my ability to listen and I told her I would bring in a book I had just read on fertility that I had found helpful.

I have babies on my mind.  As my friend said, at least she fell pregnant, and she is right.  I hope she gets what she wants very soon.  She will make a wonderful mother.  It makes me think about my situation.  I haven't ovulated since I came off The Pill in November and my PCOS symptoms are starting to show.  I am very aware of just how messed up my fertility is.  And I feel I am only just seeing the surface.  Tonight, I have babies on my mind.

Resolutions

All the goals Hubby and I have set can really fall into one of two categories, or as I will refer to them, as Operations.  That is right we have two Operations this year that will be our focus and take up our time, energy and money and with all things going to plan have us in a much better position in 12 months time.

First up is Operation Fertility.  Note the word Fertility not Baby, there will be no baby this year (although I understand not everything is within my control so of course if something was to happen it would be celebrated with more joy than our wedding).  This year is about getting my health on track and getting PCOS to disappear so next year we will be in optimum health for Operation Baby.  The biggest goal to fall into this category is to reduce my weight by 30kg.  Other goals include having my fasting blood glucose test result to fall into normal range and some financial goals because my current 1996 model, 2 door car with no room for a baby seat (or two, twins is in the family) just won't make the cut therefore having some money for the inevitable bigger car purchase is needed.

Second is Operation House to Home.  Changing our house from something that looks (and even feels just a little) like a display house to a home that is welcoming, inviting, personal, comfortable, private and when you open the door you feel that you are walking into a family home.  Goals that fall under this category include building the deck, finishing the hedge, landscaping the front yard, putting photos up on the walls, changing the Baby Room from a junk/storage room to an EMPTY room, finding suitable storage for our collection of books and finally, sourcing a retro bar/drink cabinet.

On top of these two things I also want to be a better blogger.  I do neglect this space and have so many blog posts in my head, yet when I finally do sit down they don't seem relevant anymore or I cannot remember them.  So I want each month to have at least the number of blog posts in the double digits and for every single person that takes the time to comment and say hello I will take the time to say hello back.  I want to start regular posting as well, some common post every week, I am thinking about Friday Night Cocktails as it will be a great excuse for me to actually start making some (and would also be a great reason to find the retro bar sooner rather than later).  

Here is to a wonderful, productive 2013, I have a great feeling about this year.