More Babies

I was in Sydney on Friday for training and in the afternoon during a group discussion on safety, while studying a handful of photos (interestingly enough we were looking at a pregnant woman at a desk ) I looked down at my phone to see a message from my friend at work telling me she was now 8 weeks pregnant and everything was going really well.  I felt so happy for her I wanted to stop what I was doing and race back to the office.  I think if I was at the office I would be screaming and jumping around, so it was probably a good thing I wasn't there.

On the long train ride home my mind started to think less about the day and work and started to think more about babies and I found myself feeling a little melancholy.  When hubby picked me up he knew something was wrong.  I am so happy for my friend but I cannot help but feel a teeny tiny bit jealous.  And the thing is we are not even trying!  And hubby, being the man and having to find a solution to everything told me that, as discussed, we didn't want it to happen this year and gave me all the reasons why.  But it isn't about that.  It is about the fact that if we decided right now that yes, now is the time for a baby, it wouldn't happen.

I have been tracking my cycles ever since I came off The Pill over three months ago.  I am yet to ovulate and without ovulation a baby isn't even possible.  I just feel a little sad and a little frustrated because it isn't an option.  It is not about now or later it is about the fact that there is no option right now.  My fertility is so out of whack that at this point we are forced into the no children category.

After discussing this with my Hubby I felt better.  There have always been comments about when are we going to have a baby/provide a grandchild etc, and lately I have been finding these comments hurtful and invasive and I couldn't work out why.  Now I know. And a very small part of me cannot help but think, what if next year these problems still exist, maybe this is our lot in life.  And yes I am jumping the gun but this is what's in my head right now.  It would just be nice to know there is an option and we can choose.  I just need to keep focusing on my health, my PCOS and all the positives and also how amazing my life already is and just how for fortunate I am to have my husband, who worships the ground I walk on and treats me like a princess because if it is just meant to be the two of us then I could not ask for a better person to travel with.