It's Pouring

If we could graph our relationship it would look like one of those heart monitors you see on TV.  It would be a flat line with no activity, which is us just cruising along and then a sudden spike, short sharp and sticking out far away from the steady flat line.  This is when suddenly everything happens at once.  It is so true for us, we always say now that it doesn't rain, it pours.

Around two years ago I was temporarily unemployed sitting at home watching TV when I received a call about a job I applied for over three months ago, a job I didn't get and suddenly it was offered to  me.  It was also two hours away.  I said yes and we found ourselves with less than a month to find somewhere to live and pack up our entire life.  Then of course there is the house.  We took a break from the house when we pulled out at the last second from our first builder.  Everything stopped and then Hubby decided it was the perfect time to get engaged because all the stress was gone.  Not long after he put the ring on, the house was back on again.  Not only that but somehow, completely out of our control, the projected finish date was a month before the wedding.  

This week Hubby has an interview on Thursday with a professional organisation to gain chartered status, he has to also give a presentation and show why he should be charted.  Then yesterday morning he gets a call to inform him that he has an interview on Wednesday for the internal job he applied for on Friday.  I haven't seen him this stressed since before the wedding.  

He kept asking me last night, why does this always happen?  I told him this is just us, for whatever reason this is how it is for us and at the end it always works out and we get through it and survive.  I know it wasn't exactly what he wanted to hear but this is life and at times like this I like the huge spikes in our lives, the thrill, the excitement.  While it can be stressful I wouldn't change a thing.  Because right now we are both feeling very alive.

Order

In my mind the last couple of weeks are joined into one giant blob and I cannot distinguish one day from another.  Every Monday at work people ask how your weekend was and I remember last Monday stopping to think what I actually did and realising I had no idea.  The weekend that just passed, aside from catching up with my family over lunch was spent Getting Stuff Done.  For the last few weeks we have been in a chaotic mess Getting Stuff Done and I look around and wonder what we actually achieved.

I don't even know if I can define Stuff.  We still have one room in the house that is half full of boxes and half full of Stuff that we cannot work out why we held onto it for so long in storage and that is to be put onto Ebay.  Eventually.  The kitchen, even though I remember cleaning it at least twice, looks like a bomb went off in it after I decided over the weekend that my baking mo-jo was back, and my study, while better that it was, still has two piles of Stuff To Deal With.  

The problem, I believe, goes back to moving in only a few weeks before the wedding.  Actually it may go further back to the whole building taking two years and in that time moving form one tiny unit to another and collecting stuff for the house which saw our storage shed grow and grow.  Then we moved in, unpacked only the essential stuff, while still working on the house before running away for 6 weeks.  We came back to have one week at home where more Stuff was done and then it was back to work where everything stopped because we both found ourselves with 6 weeks worth of work to catch up on.

It just feels so never ending.  And the house has so much work left to it as well.  This weekend will be spent doing a retaining wall out the back and out the front.  I just need some order of things, I need to feel like we are moving forward and not running from one side to another.  So it is back to A Goal A Week and this week my goal is to tick off at least one thing on my To Do List every single day and to  bring back some order into life so we can have a much better week and when I am asked next Monday how my weekend was I can answer with a total recall.

Work is a Chore

My job is work.  It is not something I love, it is a mandatory chore I perform 40 hours a week, 48 weeks a year to pay the bills.  I do like my job, I like the environment, the people and the benefits, and I am very grateful that I have this job, but I do not wake up in the morning fired up about it.  It is not my passion.  I remember in Year 12 I was one of the few people who knew what I wanted to do, and I knew one thing for sure; I was not going to spend my life working behind a desk, stuck in an office, it was not going to happen.  Yet here I am.

I have no regrets, this work suited me in my twenties (did I really just say that?).  Before I met Hubby I was living the life, working in the city, strutting my way through traffic with my coffee in one hand and the latest Cosmo in the other.  I really did think I was all that.  But then I met Hubby, my priorities changed, we built a house and now we are settled.  And that is why I now find myself sitting at my desk at work thinking about my dreams.  I had so many when I left school.  

I have so many dreams now and work/career is the big thing for me.  I don't want to work behind a desk anymore pushing papers around.  I want to contribute, I want to wake up excited about work, I want to go to bed at night knowing I am living up to my full potential.  I encourage those around me all the time to follow their dreams, life is too short, just do it.  I need to practise what I preach.  I don't know why I've been so fired up lately about living life, everywhere I turn I am inspired, perhaps now this is my big "a-ha" moment I have been waiting for, although, of course, it looks nothing like I thought it would. 

So Close Now

This week I have felt spring in the air.  Whenever I am outside and can feel the sun touching my skin it whispers that Spring is just around the corner.  The air is a little warmer and as I drive to work I can see glimpses of flowers starting to bloom.  Autumn is my favourite season.  I love the cold, by February I am over the heat and hanging out for that crisp chill autumn greets you with early in the morning.  However, as usual, by mid August I am done and seeking a bit of warmth.

For some reason I haven't enjoyed this winter much.  I don't know if that was because our month long Honeymoon was spent primarily in Queensland, which for us felt like summer, or because The Central Coast just doesn't do winter that well.

What I am most looking forward to this Spring is having a garden.  Until recently Hubby and I have lived only in units and before that I lived in a unit not long after I left school, so I have not had a garden since I was a child.  We now have a little strip of green and I am just waiting a few more weeks before I can start planting.  I have everything ready to go, the seeds, the trays, the potting mix, the organic fertiliser.  All that remains is a little more sun and another degree or two more in the morning and Spring will be here.  And I am ready.

(And a special Welcome and Hello if you are visiting from Jacana)

Inspired

As soon as I read the email I knew we would be going.  I was grateful that we were able to get our tickets pre-sale as they sold out within half an hour.  I had grown up with this man and he had taught me so much.  As a classic nerd with a love of science, his was my idol.  And that voice.  It always made me stop and pay attention.  I was so inspired by his work I found myself at university studying the ins and outs of biology.

On Saturday night Hubby and I were fortunate enough to see Sir David Attenborough.  For over 2 hours we sat, mesmerised.  Such an amazing life.  He sat on stage being interviewed by Ray Martin, sharing his stories throughout his 60 year career.  They showed footage from his early days right up to the new docos he is still making.  It was inspiring to say the least.  In fact I am struggling to find the words to truly capture just how magical a night it was.  It was a night we will both always treasure. 

On the long journey home, Hubby and I talked with such energy.  We were both so inspired.  From that evening we had learned many things, but for us there were two things we really took away.  The first is that this really is a Wonderful World and as such we need to do what we can to save and protect our environment.  The second was simply the amazing life Sir David has had.  Here we are doing the same thing week after week.  That is about to change.  We want an amazing life and to be able to have thousands of stories to share.  While neither of us are going to go trekking through the bush to make a doco, we are going to shake things up and start living an extraordinary life.  It is time to rise about the status quo.  It is time to stop talking and start living.  Today.

Dear Hubby - three-ish months

Husband.  Finally I get to call you that.  I was never comfortable calling you my boyfriend or partner and fiance just didn't seem to work either.  But now I can say "Hubby".  Actually to be honest it still feels a little weird calling you that.  Everyone knows we are newlyweds and when I say that word I swear I can see them almost smirk at me, thinking that I like to throw that word around now.  And I do like to use it whenever I can.  I think some people have even forgotten your name.  You are now My Husband.

I knew the moment I met you.  That moment at the top of the stairs before I even walked into the same room as you, I saw you.  You looked up and caught my eye and in that moment, I knew.  At the time I was highly cynical so my first thought was actually "Wouldn't it be funny if that was my future husband."  Turns out, you were.  I don't know if it was funny.  We laugh, we have good times, but in that moment, it was life changing.  Although that bit I didn't know about until a little later on.

It is still life changing.  You turned my world upside down and suddenly I wanted to be a better person.  I still do.  I would never have done half the things we have done together if you didn't turn up.  Suddenly the world made a lot of sense.

So, here we are, married.  I remember a lot of people telling me that once you are married, everything changes and it changes for the better.  I was concerned because at the 6-ish week mark I didn't think much had changed.  I talked to C and she asked me if it was good before the wedding.  I told her it was great.  She asked what I wanted to change, I told her nothing.  So in her words, "What is the problem?"  Nothing at all.  The only change I have noticed is that suddenly we are clucky.  While we are not about to rush out into the world of parenthood I do remember many nights pre wedding, when we would sit and fantasize about our future, childless life.  Oh, it was wonderful.  We were going to travel the world, eat at the best restaurants, sipping only the finest wine.  The future was full of glamour and doing as we pleased.  All.  The.  Time.  Now we find ourselves thinking about what a little version of us would look like, and pondering baby names.  Maybe we will have children.  Maybe.

So my darling, happy 3-ish months, I love you.

Results

12:30am.  Awake.  Again.  I am so tired all the time now and while I have been sleeping well I still find myself with a little insomnia once or twice a week.  Apparently I am quite low in iron, which might explain a bit.  Although really that is the least of my worries.  I have gone from being only just pre-diabetic to very close to actually being diabetic. 

It is still sinking in.  I was not expecting it to be good, but I didn't quite expect it to be so bad.  The good news is, it is still reversible and my Dr believes I can get back to a normal range withing 12 months.  Of course that will require a lot of hard work on my part.  She told me I needed to stop talking about what I was going to do and actually do it.  Ouch.  Although very true.  And I really did need to hear that.  She also said that I have so much energy and I am always working on many different projects at one time, why don't I use some of that energy on myself?  Good Point.  Why don't I?

I have withdrawn a little since I heard the news.  I needed to just think.  I still am thinking and processing but I am not in denial anymore.  Things need to change, and not just a little, a lot.  And they need to change now.  

I took on board everything she said and discussed with Hubby.  There is still so much to talk about and generally sort out but our health is now moving its way up to become our number one priority.  We are going to spend a few hours on the weekend sorting out the detail.  It is hard to do that right now, each night I come home so tired.  With little energy.  It is a 'Catch 22' really.  I have no energy because of my poor health, yet the low energy makes it difficult to change things.  I have no choice anymore though.  Now is the time for change.  Big change.  Permanent change.  And right now, it is time to go back to bed.