Sleep and I have never been great friends, more like casual aquaintances. She deceives me with a series of wonderful nights of sleep and just when I think this relationship can be taken to the next level she stops returing my calls, stands me up and goes M.I.A. But of course it is never her fault, there is always something else to blame, and tonight that would be my mind.
I find the bext way to spend a public holiday is getting out of the house and catching up with family and friends over a great meal. Hubby and I drove to Sydney and went out with my mum for an enjoyable lunch where I devoured a plate of mussels and mopped up the sauce with buttery toast. With a full belly Hubby and I chilled out back home half watching TV, half pottering about. I was feeling good. It was time for bed and I thought I would do a little reading. This year I am all about habits and I am trying to set a good bedtime habit. Going to bed at the same time and getting into a routine with removing all distractions and slowly winding down. I did my reading and after 20 minutes turned the light off.
It was hard, I didn't want to stop reading but I knew I should. I wanted to get up early and go for a walk, my morning routine habit I am working on. I rolled over to Hubby and snuggled in close but my mind was going off, ticking over. I found myself thinking about work and had to remind myself that was not the time or the place to think about work. My mind obeyed but instead of switching off it starting thinking about other things. Bits of my past floating by in my head getting faster and faster.
I love listening to the rain. I have always found rainy days the most perfect days. I love the rhythm of the rain and the way it make everything clean, fresh, renewed. The best smell in the world is that of rain, it makes me smile. I had downloaded a few rain apps on my phone to switch on when I needed to relax and listen to the rain. The first time I listened I closed my eyes and pictured the future. I saw myself standing on the undercover wrap-around balcony of our dream house. Looking out over the countryside watching the rain renew the pastures, pumping life into the cycle and there I would stand listening and breathing in the magical smell. These thoughts relaxed me instantly and with these pleasant images I would wonder off into sleep.
Tonight as I listened and stood on that veranda, people appeared and stood next to me, talking. I walked away and they followed. I couldn't settle and relax and instead was tossing and turning and then the climax occured, where I started thinking about the fact I am not relaxed and not going to sleep and that is the end point. It just won't happen now.
I lay there for another ten minutes hoping for the best, but my eyes kept opening and I found I was staring at the shadows in the room for so long they almost started to move. How I longed for a Pause Button for my overthinking mind. Just 7-8 hours is all I ask.
I gave up and got up. And here I am, out on the couch with a trusty Seinfeld DVD on, I need it during these times. I don't have to think. Raz joined me, ever loyal to his mum and I just need to wait for sleep to return. Just enough so I can doze on the couch and wake up long enough to crawl back into bed. I don't know about my walk tomorrow. That can be dealt with in the morning. For now I need to lie here and wait until the thinking slows down enough for me to rest and relax, and for sleep to return once more.
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