Trapped

A client of mine recently passed away.  He had not been a client for very long.  Less than a year.  He was in an aged care facility.  In my work I have been to quite a few of these place.  They are all the same, as soon as I enter these facilities I feel claustrophobic.  I can sense it, that feeling of being trapped.  I tell the person at the front desk who I have come to see and am lead down a bright white corridor, or several, until I reach the right room.  There is always a picture frame next to the door, for a picture of the person inside or their name.  The turnover must be high if they aren't even going to bother putting your name on the door and instead hope someone puts a picture of you in a frame.  I knock and enter.  More white.  The resident lays on a single hospital bed looking at a TV connected to the wall.  There is a chair next to the bed and a little cabinet in the corner of the room for what is left of their personal belongings.  Some are fortunate to have an ensuite, which is usually a showerhead over a toilet.

There is always a window.  It doesn't open so there is no fresh air, and most of the time the view is of another wing of the building.  Most of the residents have pictures up, and it is always pictures of family; spouses, children, grandchildren, brothers and sisters, parents, nieces and nephews and sometimes even their pets.  I like to look at the pictures, see the resemblances and while I never say anything, I wonder if any of these people come to visit.  I remember one client who covered her whole wall with pictures of her niece and grandnephew.  It was all the family she had, but her niece without fail visited every second day.  This woman was the happiest one I had ever seen.

I conduct my business with the client, I smile, I want to appear happy, I want them to know everything is ok.  But on the inside I can feel my claustrophobia building and my eyes darting for the nearest exit.  I smile and leave and walk back out.  There is no nurse to show me the way and I usually take a wrong turn and stumble into an activity room or a lounge.  The residents are lined up watching TV or playing bingo.  No one talks, no one smiles, and the nurses scuttle about making no eye contact.  

The worst places are the ones that have the doors looked.  You need to go to the front desk and request to be let out.  In those moments I instinctively reach for my throat.  I worry the nurse will say "No" and I'm trapped in a building with no fresh air and no way out.  I couldn't live in a place where I was locked in and trapped.  For all the decorated websites about how wonderful and comfortable these places are, you are still trapped.  And while I understand how important that is for some of the residents there, that claustrophobia is palpable.

My client was only admitted 3 months ago.  On his first day he managed to escape his room and they found him trying to climb the fence to escape.  He wanted out. I wonder if in that moment he gave up because he must have had quite a bit of stamina to achieve that feat.  Yet 3 months later and he is gone.  He must have felt trapped.  Maybe they all do.  Maybe that is why the turnover on the rooms is so high, because when you are locked up and trapped, what is there left for you to do with your life.

Overcoming My Addiction

It started innocently enough.  I had recently become a bit of a royalist and was just a little bit obsessed with Princess Kate and her pregnancy with Prince George.  When I was stuck on hold or checking my email, I found myself wandering online and searching for the very latest news on all things Kate.  Once the news broke that she was in labour it only got worse.  I was checking news websites every quarter hour and in my searching I discovered Daily Mail.

As my eyes devoured the pictures of Kate and George (and William in a few of them) my eyes discovered The Sidebar.  It was packed with snippets of celeb gossip just begging me to click to open.  It was like a box of chocolates, I wanted them all but I didn't know where to start. This website was feeding into my innate female nature, you know that need to bond with other women and share stories, known today as gossip.  I kept going back for more, for those poorly written articles full of bad grammar and spelling mistakes accompanied by blurry, off centre photographs.  My celeb knowledge was growing exponentially as was my addiction.  I would get to work and the first things I would do was check out the latest on Daily Mail.  On weekends I would find myself pulling out my iPad and just popping on for a quick glance.

Over time this drug was not enough, I needed more to feed my growing addiction.  The best place for that of course is the workplace and it was so easy to just slide into the underground office grapevine.  I had moved my addiction from a computer screen to the bathrooms at work, the kitchen at work, the back corridor and hushed conversations at the break table.

This wasn't what I wanted.  It was not the kind of person I wanted to be and I didn't want a reputation for being that girl you cannot say anything to because she will tell everyone.  Gossip destroys everything in it's path.  I had to get myself out.  I had to cut my addiction cold turkey and that meant not only staying away from it at work, but cutting myself off from where it all began, Daily Mail.

Staying away was hard.  My addiction was now a built in habit.  I had to be fed my gossip, I had to know what was going on, I wanted to be told gossip and nod my head and say "I know, it was on Daily Mail, YESTERDAY".  Part of me enjoyed being in the know but I knew I had to stop.  

Even now, sometimes I catch myself wandering over.  Just a quick glance I tell myself.  And I start, but then I pull myself up and force myself to close the website.  My rational self knows it is all rubbish and adds nothing to me as a person.  In those moments I need to remind myself in order to improve myself and move myself forward I need to fill my head "with the good, clean, pure, powerful and positive." (Zig Ziglar).  And when I say that to myself, I close the website and go in search of it's antithesis, positive and uplifting content that grows me into a better person each day.

Breaking Up

I am a committed person.  When I find someone good, I commit to that person.  I know there will be times in our relationship when we hit a rough patch, but I have faith those times will come to pass and all will be good again.  My most recent hairdresser (lets call her J) and I have been together for almost as long as I have been with Hubby.  I was actually seeing someone else at the time, J would apply my colour and then my hairdresser would come in at the end and do a quick cut and take all the glory.  But she got pregnant and once she left I just ended up with J.  I hoped it would be the start of a wonderful relationship.

For a long time it was good, and over time it got better, but at some point, maybe a year ago, we both became complacent and stopped making an effort.  I would tell her what I was after in vague detail, but allow her to be creative and work out what would suit me best.  I think she just got a little lazy, afterall I was such a good client always keeping the 6 week appointment standard for colour that she probably stopping putting in the effort.  I was no longer happy with my hair.  There was nothing really wrong with it, it just wasn't what I wanted, but then I didn't really communicate it clearly in the first place and did allow her to do what she thought was best.

I got bored, as I do, and decided to go brunette, which she has done for me before.  Dark and chocolatey were my instructions.  The result looked very coppery to me and I wasn't happy, but all I did was smile, told her she did a great job, handed over the money and booked again for another 6 weeks.  Less than 2 weeks later the chocolate part had gone and my hair went copper.  I broke the greatest sin of all by rushing out to the supermarket and purchasing colour in a box.  That evening I had the exact colour I wanted to achieve.  When she came back for the next appointment she noticed my hair was not her work.  I told her that was the colour I wanted and she said she could do it.  She failed and again I said nothing.

It was at this point other people started to get involved and suggested that maybe the relationship was not working and that perhaps it was time to find someone else.  I knew deep down they were right, but maybe I didn't have the guts to do it, or maybe I just felt that after all this time I owed it to her to stick it out.  And so I did.

At the end of the year I decided it was time to go blonde again.  I assumed, like we had in the past that this would take several visits as we went from lighter shares of brunette to dark blonde and then work our way up the peroxide spectrum.  However when I told her she assured me she could take me straight to blonde.  I trusted her, she was an expert, had the training and we had a history, and what did I know about hair colouring anyway?  After 3 hours and being bleached 3 times I couldn't take it anymore.  I needed a break.  My hair was now a lovely shade of sherbet orange.  She told me she would fix it tomorrow.  The next day and another 3 hours, and while the colour had improved slightly it was still orange and she has to take several inches off because of how damaged my hair now was.  

I paid, booked again for another 6 weeks and then tried to stop myself from walking out in front of on-coming traffic.  I now knew this relationship had run it's course.  It was time to break up.  As our 6 week appointment slowly came up in my diary, I cheated and saw someone else, someone recommended by a friend who has great blonde hair.  She is the best one I have ever had (and to Hubby's great satisfaction, half the price).  I then messaged J a week out and told her I was away for the weekend and would need to rebook.  This was not a lie, I was away and at the time I made the appointment with her I didn't know I would be.  She asked me when to rebook and like a coward I said "in the new year".  A few more text messages were sent over the next few days and I ignored them.

Even though I now have my best hair yet (aside from the all the damage of J's over bleaching which has cost me a keratin treatment and will take all year for my hair to grow out to be the same length) I am not pleased with how I dealt with the situation.  I need to learn how to break up with people because so far, whether a hair dresser, personal trainer, ex boyfriend or even an old friend, my method has been to not return the calls and messages.  Next time I need to stand up to my fears (of what exactly I am not sure) and people pleasing nature and just say, "This isn't working, I think it would be in both our interest to go our separate ways."  I just wonder what the consequences of doing that would be....

I Miss You

It has now been an entire week since you exited my life.  I am not sure why you decided to do that.   You were with me up until 3am-ish, watching the tennis.  I turned off my alarm.  I definitely needed the sleep in and when Hubby woke me up in the morning I realised you had gone.  

These last 7 days has shown me just how reliant and dependant I was on you.  It is very difficult for me to comprehend the time when you and your ancestors did not exist.  And I functioned fine without your species.  Every morning you woke me up, gently, with a soft musical tune and if I needed a little sleep-in, all I had to do was give you a light touch and you would grant me an extra 10 minutes.  Once I was up, I recorded my temperature and checked my chart, you then told me what the weather was going to be for the day so I could dress and prepare accordingly.

On the way to work you would play any music I desired and when inspiration struck would take down a note with just the sound of my voice.  Whilst at work I was able to send messages to everyone I knew as you held all my contact information for every single person in my life.  When I was waiting on hold or walking down the road you would show me my emails, update me with the latest gossip and give me a few games to play to pass the time.  On the way home from work you would connect me to Hubby so we could keep each other company on the drive home and then at home I would leave you in the bedroom and instruct you on when I would like to be woken up.

I relied on you for so much, for information, entertainment, storage, note taking, photo capturing, music playing, shopping list creation, email, blogging and about 100 other things.  And now you are gone, and I sit and wait, hoping today is the day when I get the call to tell me that you are fixed and all better now and once again we can be reunited.  Your temporary replacement isn't the same.  It is several years older, and with none of your functions.  It wakes me up with a noisy, obnoxious alarm and it doesn't snooze.  And the only contact on there is Hubby, I have no access to anyone else.  It has no apps, only a silly ball shooting game and I have given up on sending messages, the keyboard is too small for my fingers.  

Please come back home soon, I miss you.

Brandy Alexander

It has been too long between Cocktail drinks, posts and this is way overdue.  Winter is now officially here and although it is tempting to reach out for an aged Shiraz there are many cocktails that can warm you up from the inside and they are what I want to explore for the next 3 months.  First up is the Brandy Alexander which I do believe was my first ever cocktail that I had at a Chinese Restaurant not long after my 18th birthday (I was and still am a nerd, I did wait till I was 18 to drink, except on a few occasions.....).  This would have to be one of the best cocktails to try if you are new to cocktails or are yet to find one you like.  Not too sweet, and rich and creamy with the brandy giving it just the right amount of kick to have your tummy buzzing with warmth.  This is what I will always order when I cannot decide because I know I will like it and it is near impossible to get wrong.  The only problem being some places always seem to be out of cream.....

1 shot Brandy

1 shot Brown Creme de Cacao
2 shots Cream

Shake all the ingredients with ice and strain into a cocktail glass, garnish with grated nutmeg

Hubby: Too easy to drink, 4/5

Me: Rich and creamy, just enough alcohol to take the edge off but also to keep you standing up for the night, 5/5

Perfect for: Early evenings when you have some time to just sit and reflect (or first dates with Peggy Olson if you are a Mad Men fan)

Try it: Anytime the temperature drops below 20°C

Maybe They're Happy

I remember being very young when I was taught the lesson of 'Do not judge a book by it's cover'.  I have always tried to not judge and make assumptions about people I meet and instead allow myself to learn about someone by getting to know them.  Unfortunately not everyone takes this approach, and they make judgements about people straight away.  Unfortunately for me I work with a few people that are very quick to judge.  These same people also like to share that judgement with me, before I even have a chance to see the people they are making the judgements about.

The nature of my work involves people sharing their private information, acknowledging that death is a part of life and, often, unburdening family conflict.  This is difficult to do and for many they don't want to do it alone.  They will bring someone with them, usually a partner, or a friend, or a child.  The work we do is confronting and people don't want to think about it.  Even I don't like to think about it.  It took me a while to be able to switch off and stand back and see that it was just a job.  Sometime back we needed a temporary receptionist as our permanent one was moved into another role.  The person they hired was the most judgemental person I do believe I have come across.  And she is still with us.

She loves to personally come to my desk to alert me to the fact that my appointment has arrived.  And then with her voice lowered, she whispers her assumptions of that client.  I never take notice of her judgements, because I have found that almost 100% of the time she is wrong.  She will tell me a client is difficult and rude, yet when I talk to them I find them easy going and pleasant.  She will tell me a client is wasting our time as they have no money yet they are multimillionaires.  And many times when a husband and wife come in she loves to tell me it is a second marriage and she only wants his money, "after all, she is young enough to be his daughter".

The other day I did have a husband and wife come in, and it was a second marriage, and she was young enough to be his daughter, in fact she was younger than his daughter.  But so what!  After spending an hour with this couple it was clear they were both happy.  To be completely honest I couldn't say whether they were truly in love, but I could say they were both happy with whatever arrangement they had going on.  They both wanted a companion and had found each other, both fulfilling the needs of the other while having their own needs met.  And in a way isn't that part of what marriage is about?  And aren't we all striving for happiness anyway?  At the end of the day, maybe people are happy with what they have going on, and who are we to judge them for their choices and what it takes to make them happy.  Instead it is time to stop analysing the lives of others and to look at our own lives, and do what we need to do in order to ensure our own happiness.

Wash Your Mouth Out

I opened up my email the other day and while scrolling through I decided to check out the one from my local healthfood shop.  They mentioned a few things and then promoted a seminar, which, as I began reading, I thought sounded good.  That was until I read the title of the seminar, smack bang in the middle of the title was a 4 letter swear word starting with 'S'.  I didn't bother reading any further, I already knew that I didn't want to attend this seminar.

I seem to belong to a shrinking group of people who finds swearing offensive.  It is so mainstream now,  4 letter words are no longer "bleeped" from the television and almost every program on TV begins with "moderate course language".  It is part of everyday life and even now everyday language.  People swear everyday in their day to day conversations and no one blinks an eye.  I will raise my hand and say I do swear, I'm not proud of it but I do.  When I am around people that swear excessively I have been known to throw my own choice words into the mix.  And I know when I am mega stressed or exceptionally angry, the expletives come out of my mouth at full force.  I try to be mindful at all times and am constantly working to get all swear words out of my vocabulary.

When people swear I do find it offensive.  I find it inappropriate and I think the person using the swear words may have a little bit of a self esteem issue, why else would they need to use filthy language.  I remember buying a best selling book that everyone was raging about so much so they turned it into a TV series.  Every.  Single.  Page.  Of that book had at least one swear word.  I was so offended around page 50 I gave up, I wasn't going to go any further.  A very popular blogger turned author who I followed for many years starting introducing 4 letter words into her writing.  It didn't go unnoticed by me and it changed my opinion of her.  

Call me a prude but is all this swearing necessary?  Do we really need to colour our language simply to get the point across?  Does dropping the f-bomb emphasise a point better than omitting it's use?  I went back to the email that started this thinking and read a little deeper.  I was informed that her "casual use" of swear words was "a refreshing reprieve from the norm" (really, I would have thought it was the norm), and that her use of swear words was "reminding you that you are speaking to a real person".  Seriously?  I need someone to use offensive language so I know it's real?

Call me old school but I believe in old fashioned manners.  I don't answer my phone when I'm out at dinner, I always thank clients for coming in to see me and I use the words 'please' when asking for something.  And I try to keep my language clean.  In this 'modern age' I find it hard, particularly when everyone around me seems to be doing it and fail as often as I do, I just need to keep going and keep being mindful, because clean language will set me apart from the rest.  For the better.