Change

Someone said to me today that a change is as good as a holiday.  I disagree.  At least with a holiday I can go somewhere new, somewhere I have never been before.  I can go out and discover new things or I can choose to sit back, relax and listen to the ocean while sipping on a cocktail.  A holiday allows me to switch off, to recharge my body and mind and with each passing day the holiday bliss chips away at the old and stagnant and brings the new to the surface.  The creativity creeps back into my mind and ideas seem to flow.  A holiday gives me a new perspective on things, problems vanish and solutions appears and I have the chance to reconnect with Hubby and spend some real time together.

Right now I have none of that.  My hairdresser visited me yesterday.  A week ago I sent her a message, telling her it was time.  I am blonde and with a few exceptions over the years always have been, but every now and then I feel the need to change, to go dark.  I am back to my old job at work after spending 14 months acting in a higher role.  As such I am over qualified and getting bored fast.  Work is stagnant.  At home I feel as if I am going through the motions, the weekdays blend together and aside from Italian classes, Monday to Friday almost feels like groundhog day.  I needed to do something to shake things up.  I thought the best way to do that was to dye my hair a nice chocolate brown.

I sat in front of the mirror and as she began to dry my hair I had a moment.  A slight panic and feeling of anxiety as I realised I was stuck with the dark and in the moment I wanted the blonde back.  I turned my chair around.  I told the hairdresser I didn't want to look in the mirror I wanted it to be a surprise.  But in reality I just needed to take a few deep breathes and think about something else.  Once my hair was dry and I turned around and looked my first reaction was "It isn't dark enough".  My hairdresser explained we could go darker next time but she didn't want to go too dark now so as not to damage the hair.  I am not sure what reaction I was expecting, but I really didn't feel anything about this outward change.  

After she left I kept looking in the mirror, waiting for that moment of "I love this" but it never came.  I realised this morning it isn't about the hair, I do like it, it looks good, it is exactly what I wanted.  But while I may look different, nothing has changed.  Everything is the same.  It seems silly to think changing my hair colour would shake things up, but I suppose in that moment when I made the decision to change, I thought it would.  And then, this evening, my moment came.  I realised why I wanted to go dark.  It wasn't about shaking things up, it was really about hiding and hibernating.  I have begun working on a handful of goals this year and I am just starting to see progress being made.  I wanted to hide away from the world and hibernate.  I didn't want to be noticed, I wanted to continue chipping away, doing what I needed to do, and progressing towards my goals.  Once I have reached these goals, then I want to step forward and shine and be noticed.  And in that moment, that is when I will go back to blonde, back to my old self, only better, fresher, busting with creativity, just like a holiday.