The Pause Button

Sleep and I have never been great friends, more like casual aquaintances.  She deceives me with a series of wonderful nights of sleep and just when I think this relationship can be taken to the next level she stops returing my calls, stands me up and goes M.I.A.  But of course it is never her fault, there is always something else to blame, and tonight that would be my mind.  

I find the bext way to spend a public holiday is getting out of the house and catching up with family and friends over a great meal.  Hubby and I drove to Sydney and went out with my mum for an enjoyable lunch where I devoured a plate of mussels and mopped up the sauce with buttery toast.  With a full belly Hubby and I chilled out back home half watching TV, half pottering about.  I was feeling good.  It was time for bed and I thought I would do a little reading.  This year I am all about habits and I am trying to set a good bedtime habit.  Going to bed at the same time and getting into a routine with removing all distractions and slowly winding down.  I did my reading and after 20 minutes turned the light off.  

It was hard, I didn't want to stop reading but I knew I should.  I wanted to get up early and go for a walk, my morning routine habit I am working on.  I rolled over to Hubby and snuggled in close but my mind was going off, ticking over.    I found myself thinking about work and had to remind myself that was not the time or the place to think about work.  My mind obeyed but instead of switching off it starting thinking about other things.  Bits of my past floating by in my head getting faster and faster.

I love listening to the rain.  I have always found rainy days the most perfect days.  I love the rhythm of the rain and the way it make everything clean, fresh, renewed.  The best smell in the world is that of rain, it makes me smile.  I had downloaded a few rain apps on my phone to switch on when I needed to relax and listen to the rain.  The first time I listened I closed my eyes and pictured the future.  I saw myself standing on the undercover wrap-around balcony of our dream house.  Looking out over the countryside watching the rain renew the pastures, pumping life into the cycle and there I would stand listening and breathing in the magical smell.  These thoughts relaxed me instantly and with these pleasant images I would wonder off into sleep.

Tonight as I listened and stood on that veranda, people appeared and stood next to me, talking.  I walked away and they followed.  I couldn't settle and relax and instead was tossing and turning and then the climax occured, where I started thinking about the fact I am not relaxed and not going to sleep and that is the end point.  It just won't happen now.  

I lay there for another ten minutes hoping for the best, but my eyes kept opening and I found I was staring at the shadows in the room for so long they almost started to move.   How I longed for a Pause Button for my overthinking mind.  Just 7-8 hours is all I ask.

I gave up and got up.  And here I am, out on the couch with a trusty Seinfeld DVD on, I need it during these times.  I don't have to think.  Raz joined me, ever loyal to his mum and I just need to wait for sleep to return.  Just enough so I can doze on the couch and wake up long enough to crawl back into bed.  I don't know about my walk tomorrow.  That can be dealt with in the morning.  For now I need to lie here and wait until the thinking slows down enough for me to rest and relax, and for sleep to return once more.

Teddy Love

It all began with "Pinky (I)".  My first Teddy was given to me on the day I was born.  It was love at first sight.  I took Pinky with me everywhere, and in most of the photos of me as a baby and then as a toddler, there was Pinky.  My family told me of a story of when I was very young, (as I do not recall it),  that once we went on a boat ride, and as usual, I had Pinky with me.  And on that fateful day the boat crashed.  It must have been a minor one, but it was enough for Pinky to fly out of my hands and sink into the water.  I couldn't stop crying and my parents assured me they would do everything possible to get Pinky back.  Sure enough my parents presented me with my 'rescued' Pinky, and I was a happy girl once again.  Although I didn't realise it then, what they had actually given me was Pinky II.  Many years later when they assumed I was out of the soft toy phase, they told me that they couldn't rescue Pinky from the water, and my beloved Pinky was actually a new Teddy.  I was crushed.

As I ventured along the path to adulthood and my tastes slowly matured, the one thing that didn't change was my love of bears.  When I was studying for the HSC, Pinky II sat proudly on my desk, watching with pride as "mum" threw herself into her studies.  By this stage my love affair with Teddy's, which was now referred to as a Hobby, the adult way of allowing yourself to continue indulging in childhood, was known to all and on my 18th birthday they appeared in numerous presents.  

It was then I thought it might be time to take this a little further and I looked into collectable bears, and I worked and saved to buy a few.  As the years passed, my collection grew, and then I met Hubby.  Whilst Hubby and I settled into our second home together, and as I began to unpack my bears, I had a sudden realisation that a bear collection in our home may look childish. Also as I flipped through my home lifestyle magazines, as I often did, no Teddy's were ever to be seen.  When the call came to move up to The Coast all of my bears, remaining packed in their boxes, were placed in storage.

Upon moving into our new home, Hubby and I have slowly been working our way through the last handful of unpacked boxes.  Stashed in a spare room's closet sat the huge boxes of my bears.  We have been working on building a 'mini' library with some new bookshelves, and as I stacked the shelves I felt it looked a little too impersonal.  It was then I remembered the bears and thought it was the perfect time to pull them out.  I decided I would only put a few out on display just to add a bit of personality to the library.  I starting working through one box.  Each bear was lovingly wrapped in tissue paper having been packed away with utmost of care.  And as I looked at the bears, I asked myself how could I choose?  I thought, no, I must be strong, I have so many that they must go. But as I picked up one bear and then another and then another, I realised that they each had a story to tell.  Every bear I had reminded me of a place, a time, a beautiful memory.  How could I toss that away?

I pulled Hubby over to the bears and showed him, and with my best effort at 'Puppy dog eyes' asked "Can we keep them?".  He smiled and said what I wanted to hear.  "Yes".  But we both agreed that we would make a feature of them and show them off in a display cabinet, neat and tidy, and in a very mature way.  That way when people come to visit I can show them off, tell them a story, and for those very special people I can point out the lovely gift they gave me and just how special it is.

This Is A Great Year

It was my first day back at work for the year today, and I enjoyed dating my paperwork with '14'.  Last year did not turn out at all how we had hoped and I would say it was probably our worst year.  And strangely most people I know have said the same thing about that year.  So I was very excited to see the New Year roll around and put everything behind us.  

There is something about this time of year.  A freshness, and people seem to be a little more positive, a little more hopeful that things will be better this year.  I know I am feeling it, and I have decided that this year, Is A Great Year.  The whole 12 months are going to be wonderful and enriching and the hopefulness I am feeling right now I will carry through all year long.  

I am not talking about resolutions that will be given up and forgotten before the month is out,  but rather setting up more long term goals and having a better attitude and a more positive outlook on everything.  Focusing on what I have rather than what I don't have, stopping to see and enjoy the small pleasures in everyday and making more of an effort to be nice to people when they are being aggressive to me, which is so true for some of my clients at work.  Hubby always reminds me that you get more bees with honey than vinegar.

Not long after I set my goals last year, I was told by someone I respected and admired (at the time) to get rid of them.  That I shouldn't be goal setting and that I shouldn't put so much pressure on myself.  I was to let life happen and enjoy it.  I tried this approach and it didn't work for me.  At the end of the year, off my own back I wrote out how I want my life to look in 10 years time, and that vision fired me up in a way I had not felt for so many years.  I looked at that vision and where I am now, and I knew the only way to get there was to set those goals and 'get crackin'.  Hello 2014, otherwise known as Step One on the country laneway to turn my Rural Dreaming into my Rural Reality.